Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
