I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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