My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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