I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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