Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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