i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize