My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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