When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
