I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
