I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Randomize
