I'm lost and stupid without you.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
