last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
There's always time for handjobs
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize