I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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