he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
