I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
