This house was built for laser tag.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
