I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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