Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
