I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
