2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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