So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
