now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
foreskin is a definite game changer
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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