Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize