you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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