someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
In other news, I just burned my penis
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
