the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
