Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
