paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
My life is pants optional.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize