You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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