lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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