You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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