he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
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