Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize
