I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
