I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
