I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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