how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
