barbara walters just said penis...
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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