With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Found the puke drawer
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Randomize
