How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
