This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
