So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize