tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
