She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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