You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
