I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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