there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
