Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
she told me i tasted like america
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
