I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
We were destined to go to rehab together
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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