Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Randomize
