Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
