Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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