I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
