her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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