She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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