If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Randomize
