if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
