I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
